another day feels like shot to hell

Hi All,
In other words, it feels as if I've wasted the whole damn day, and yet I haven't because I added a guestbook to my homepage, and I've started learning CSS. so I've not totally wasted it. I do want to get it done before I leave, but who knows? Learn the CSS and especially get the pages updated. Then again, I might just say the hell with it and leave it as it is. I'm not even sure I like it as it is, seems to me that it was better the other way.
I'm getting anxious to leave. I'm hoping for June 5th. Once I make up my mind, I prefer to just get on with it. No dragging the heels for me, thank you. Regardless of where my path leads me, I'm going to live my life to it's fullest. Regardless of what anyone might think. In fact, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about anything, and if I do, it's only because I ask for their opinion.
So there, how's that for being rude? Not really. I don't think it's rude, but then I'm sure others will. I can hear my daughters now..."You're so rude!" Sometimes it's called for, but not at others. I laugh when I think of one of them saying that. Because I have fond memories of them, even when we have disagreed about things. They are independent thinkers, thank the gods and goddesses. I love them and miss them. Enough mushy stuff too.
I don't really have anything to say in particular. I want to post here everyday, but as you know, I usually don't. Although there are times when I post more than once. I wonder if I'm tying to make up for the times I missed? Doubt it, but nice try. LOL One must laugh at oneself once in awhile. I use to get really upset when people would say to lighten up, and laugh at myself. My response was usually along the lines of "why should I when there are enough others to laugh at me?" But now that I'm older, I see the reason, and it isn't to beat them to the punch. If I can laugh at myself over things, it's easier to cope with things. Then it was dumb...seemed to be, but now, I realize that it is smart. Better than letting things get to me. I guess that's enough for now.
Peace,
ravnone1

nh bound

Hey y'all,
Now that's southern, and I'm headed north. How cool is that? lol
I have made my decision. Since I feel too restless here, and my heart just isn't in it anymore, I'm going to NH. My daughter wants to go back to school, finish what she started twice before, I told her I'd go help her. But this time I laid out a few ground rules. If we both abide by them, then we can make this work. I hope to leave in the first week of June.
This doesn't mean I'll quit living while I'm there. I fully intend to live, and even date while there. I may move on after that, it just depends on the mood I'm in at the time. Guess I'm kinda like a rolling stone. But then again, I might find the right person for me. One thing for sure, I'm not hanging up the spurs just yet.
Speaking of hanging up the spurs, or another way of putting it is rock'n'roll shoes...my daughters both have decided to quit the craft. Damn...what a shame. I think they both would do fine if they'd stop listening to other people, and just with their gut instincts. Some people don't approve. That's fine, but I'm not going to stop. I chose this path, or maybe it chose me. Hell, I've done magick in one form or another all my life, even when I was very young. I'm proud to be a pagan, and I'm proud to be a practitioner of magick. It's a way of life for me.
Speaking of "pagans", I was asked earlier tonight if I was a member of the outlaw bikers named the Pagans. I had totally forgotten about them. I'm not, and my use of the term is 'a person who worships nature. ' Magick is second nature, like breathing, or eating when hungry. Seems like an awful waste to not use a natural talent. Regardless of what others think, or even demand, I'm not going to stop. They haven't asked me, and I've told them up front that I'm still going to practice magick. When things start going to hell, you don't stop using the one talent that can help you. I'm not happy with it, but it's their decision, and it's their life. I can't just stop because people think I'm weird or strange. In fact, I think it's funny that people think they must take the time to tell me that I'm strange or weird. How silly people are!!! Don't you know that it takes all of us to make the world the place it is? For good or bad, and we create our own reality. We make things the way they are in our lives, on our planet, in our Universe. It's been almost a year now, since I dedicated myself to the Universe, and I've not regretted it a moment. I've been doing magick for a long time, but I thought it time to make it official in the Roll Book of the Universe.
I love all you guys who take the time to read this, thank you. Even after I leave here, I'll keep in touch although it might not be as frequent as I would like. Gotta watch out for the bears ya know...lol, they do walk the streets of where I'm headed to.
Peace,
ravnone1

monday

Hey !!! How's it going? I'm tired of saying 'hi all', so I need to think up a new beginning to these posts. At any rate, my trip yesterday was an adventure, we went around the mountain. There is a spectacular view of Roosevelt Lake from the top. I took a pic of it, it came out pretty good. So I have included it here for your enjoyment. Beautiful, but Tonto Basin is way too dry. Anyway, I had fun. It wasn't what we planned, but we did enjoy ourselves. By the way, the Flying J on 67th here in Phoenix has pretty good food. I've been there three times this week, twice in one day! Pretty cool. l suggested it to Lee on the way home, and that's where we went.
You know, seeing the mountains like this, made me realize how much I miss the mountains, and the water. I will get to where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. It is always like that.
May all who seek for Peace, find her,
ravnone1

heading to the mountains

Hi All,
Looks like I'm off to a day in the mountains. Which is a good thing, because I need time away from people. I need semi-solitude, which is what I'll have pretty much.
You know, this is the first time I've ever 'lost' someone I love to death. I need to get on with it, and I am. But there's a part of me that is so angry. Yes, death is an everyday occurrence. It's part of the cycle of life.
There are people in my life who have been a great help to me. I thank all of you. This anger, hell let's call it what it is...rage, that I have, needs to go. So today, I hope to get it out of my system. And if I'm where there are few people around, then there's less chance of someone getting hurt. So, this is where I'm at today. The sadness is fast becoming rage. How shall I deal with this? I sure as hell don't want to hurt anyone else. Although, if I could, I'd probably bring him back so I could kill him for leaving like that. Which wouldn't help any, but you get the idea. I know how to deal with many things, but this isn't one of them. I feel like I'm in the dark, and having to make my way to the end of the tunnel. In this case, I think I need to make a light. One that is both internal and external. I need to make sure I don't lose my way. And God said "Let there be light. and there was light." This light was not just a physical light, it was a great spiritual light. This is what I need to do. This light, once set into motion, will consume the rage, and cleanse me from the inside out. Then I can be me again. I mean me as opposed to this 'shadow' person that I now live with. I don't much care for this person, but I do love me. Since this 'shadow' person is a part of me, I'll take care of her and love her too. But I want me back, from wherever the hell I've went.
I think we are all made up of different parts, for lack of a better term, each one devised to deal with any given situation. When a situation presents itself, and there is no part of us used to dealing with it, then a new part is developed to compensate. When all the parts are together, we are whole. In MPD, or Multiple Personality Disorder, doctors want us to integrate. So the 'normal' people are integrated, but it doesn't really take all that much to fragment. When bad things happen, you can hear people talking about falling apart. I've been feeling that for awhile now, as if I'm falling apart. So a new fragment, or part is surfacing to deal with the unknown. How best to deal with the death of Charlie. Look, if some SOB hurt or killed one of my kids, or grandkids, I'd kill the SOB in a heart beat, once I found him. His death would not be pleasant, and I would not feel sorry for him. But this isn't something I can do anything about, in that manner. He's gone because that is what was agreed upon in the time before I was born. At any rate, it was his time to die. *Damn, I'm getting tired of this. So this is something I have to learn how best for me to deal with. I don't have MPD, and many people who are labeled as such, may not have it either. I'm only using it for an example. To show you what I mean when I talk about 'parts' or 'fragments' of the whole. OK?
The asterisk besides 'damn'. Ok, I knew, for after meeting him that it wouldn't last long, that one of us would go. And it felt as if we had done this so many times, I wrote about it in my blog. That is what I'm referring to being tired of. Each time we are together, we don't have much time together. Just long enough to pass on the message we were supposed to, long enough to maybe make a difference in the other person's life, or at least try to. Have I lost my mind? Maybe, but if you let mind get in the way of everything, you'll never learn anything.
I guess that's enough bitching for right now.
Peace to all of you,
ravnone1

general thoughts

Dear Journal,

I kinda feel the need to talk to you as I sit here tonight/morning. Sometimes I have things on my mind, and this is one of the way I deal with it. I wish this keyboard would be less noisy, especially since it's 1:30 in the morning.

I'm waiting on Rick from Kingman, and thinking about Charlie. I'm also thinking about other things as well.

I just installed a new mouse, the other one was driving me nuts.

I wish Charlie was here, and yet I'm almost glad he isn't. I wish it was one of his nights off, and we were sleeping, him holding me so close like he always did. So close you couldn't have put a pin between us. The reason I'm almost glad he isn't, is because it was almost, not quite, but almost perfect. Why screw up a good memory? He had faults, just like all of us, but he was still a wonderful man. His favorite book was "Hitcherhiker's Guide to the Universe". He was one of a kind, and I'm doubly blessed that he shared part of my life. By part, I mean a space of time. I trusted him implicitly, in many things. Will I ever feel that way again? Will I ever trust that much again? Knowing me, I doubt it, but then stranger things have happened. Part of me wants to get on with it, and part of me wants it back the way it was. The first part is happening day by day, the second part won't happen during this lifetime. Oh it will happen, on another plane, or another existence. But that only lessens the pain, it doesn't take it away. Sometimes it just drags at me, until I ask "Damn it, Charlie! Why did you leave me?" And yet I know why he's gone. Some things aren't meant to be. I learned things from Charlie, one of them being acceptance. He isn't just going to ride the bike up and park, then call and say "I'm home, baby." He isn't ever going to hold me, or anything else except live in my thoughts, as far as this time around goes. I told Charlie once, it takes more courage to die than to live, because despite all the reports, you don't really know what's on the other side.
Hi, I'm finishing this up at 3:33 p.m. today. Rick, from Kingman came early and I've been visiting with him since he showed up. He's a nice guy, but there just isn't the spark I'm looking for, so I'll not be going to Kingman.
Now, to pick up where I left off. I'm not ready to commit suicide, I gave my word years ago to the Universe that I wouldn't even try it again. so that's not an out for me. I wondered, as I was visiting with Rick, am I comparing every guy against Charlie? I don't think I am. But I'm sure as hell not settling for less than what I want either. I do believe that death is part of the circle of life, and that it is simply a door we go thru. Once there, we go thru a period of adjustment, and then go over what we either learned or didn't learn while here. But since I have no proof, I don't really know what's on the other side, now do I? Therefore, I still am of the opinion stated above. Not that it matters, or even has any bearing on anything. It was just part of a conversation we were having at the time. Anyway, I guess I've taken long enough to type this in and post it.
Wishing all well,
ravnone1

Friday, and grief

Hello All,
I guess this is as good a subject as any. Here are a few facts about Friday, followed by the subject of grief.

Friday (pron. IPA: [fɹaɪ.deɪ] or [fɹaɪ.di]) is traditionally considered the sixth day of the week, falling between Thursday and Saturday, as it does in countries that adopt a Sunday-first convention (see Days of the week for more on the different conventions). In countries adopting the Monday-first, and, in work-based conventions, it is the fifth day of those weeks.
The name Friday comes from the Old English frigedæg, meaning the day of Frige the Anglo-Saxon form of Frigg, the Germanic goddess of beauty. In most Germanic languages it is named after Freyja—such as Freitag in Modern German, vrijdag in Dutch, fredag in Swedish, Norwegian, and Danish—but Freyja and Frigg are frequently identified with each other. The word for Friday in most Romance languages is derived from the name of Venus such as vendredi in French, venerdì in Italian, viernes in Spanish, and vineri in Romanian. In Hindi, Friday is Shukravar, named for Shukra, the Sanskrit name of the planet Venus. Russian uses an ordinal number for this day of the week-- piatnítsa, meaning "fifth." Similarly, the Portuguese is sexta-feira.
In Japan, Friday is Kin-Youbi: "Gold Day" or "money day", and in many Asian cultures, paydays are on Fridays.
In most countries with a five-day work week, Friday is the last workday before the weekend and is, therefore, viewed as a cause for celebration or relief. In some offices, employees are allowed to wear less formal attire on Fridays, known as Casual Friday or Dress-Down Friday.
Also Friday is associated, in Astrology, with Venus, the Goddess of love, which is why love spells are done on Friday. although other spells can also be done on Fridays.

Now on to the subject of grief. It hasn't been even a month yet since Deuce's death. So why am I going on the way I am? Because I refuse to live in the past. There is nothing I can do to change this event, therefore I have accepted it. I will live as I want, and as I believe Charlie would want me too. Suck it up, get over it, grin and bear it, and get on with it. Sometimes keeping busy, but in a balanced way, is the best thing to do. I also need to be around other people sometimes. I need to meet other people. Learn new things, do things, especially things I enjoy. I'm pretty much ok, then find myself almost unbearably sad, this too passes pretty quickly. I keep asking him why, and yet I know why. This was part of my life plan, and one of my life lessons. How to love someone as I did him, and deal with the grief. If you think I'm going to just stop living, and grieve forever, forget it. I will always remember him, and I will always cherish the memories we made, I will even love him for always. But I will not stop living just to appease anyone. No one has said anything, and yet I can feel disapproval from somewhere. That sounds like a personal problem to me. It sure as hell isn't my problem, and I have no intention of making it mine. Thanks, but I already have enough of my own.
Love comes in a multitude of depths, and so does grief. I could choose to dishonor his memory by letting grief debilitate me for the rest of my life. But what purpose would that serve? I have my own idea about how to handle this. One of the things that has helped me to cope with this, is when he was in the hospital...I talked to him and felt and heard his answers. And then when I'm down, I can hear him in my head. His jokes, our conversations, plus I also have some of his text messages saved on the cell, which he was responsible for getting for me. I have his pics, some of his personal items, etc. I cope. Period. In my own way, and don't think I'm living in the past, I live in the present as much as possible. I'm moving on, because that's what I need to do.
May Peace find all who seek her. On another note, if even half of what I suspect will happen with the geophysical changes here on the earth...we're all going to need to pull together and we'll definitely need peace of mind.
ravnone1

Thursday's post...Thor's day, also Jupitor

Hi All,
Today is the day of Thor, God of the thunder, and Jupiter, God of finances.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thursday

The astrological sign of the planet Jupiter represents Thursday with similar names in Latin-derived languages, such as the French Jeudi. In English, this became "Thor's Day", since the Roman god Jupiter was identified with Thor in northern Europe.

In The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, the character Arthur Dent says "This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays". A few minutes later the planet Earth is destroyed. Thor, for whom the day was named, also appears later in the Hitchhiker's series and in other Adams books. Appropriately, in The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul, one of the characters says to Thor: "I'm not used to spending the evening with someone who's got a whole day named after them".

I thought it might be interesting to post a bit of lore for today. It does have interesting facts and tidbits associated with it. Also, I love this pic of Thor fighting the giants. I love thunderstorms, and since he is the God of Thunder, I think it's pretty appropriate to contribute a post to him.
Perhaps I will do this again for the various gods and goddesses that I really like. I have quite a few that I greatly admire. As time permits and goes on, I may very well endeavor to do this, pay my respects so to speak.
Peace to all who seek her.
ravnone1

damn...this oughta be good

Hi All,
Hmmm...Ok, I've gotten this far. Now what? No idea. so, I guess I'll just ad-lib it a bit. Meaning: I may talk about nothing, or something in general. Sometimes it's best to not have things planned out as far as what one may say here.
I've been tired lately, the last few days. Seems as if all I want to do is sleep. I suppose you could say I'm not getting enough rest, but it's as if what I'm doing in my dreams is taking my energy. I think it's a little more than that. I do know that something is coming up, or I wouldn't be this tired. Been there, done that. Plenty of times. I know I have chronic fatigue syndrome. so I know that is part of it. If I can become a little hyper, but not too much, then I'll be fine. Give myself an order I suppose. I sure as hell don't have time for all this tiredness.
Other than that, life is fine. Although I am working on a few things that really need cleared up. In my life, for the most part. Think I'll play a game for awhile. Get rid of some stress. Peace to all who is looking for her.
ravnone1

love, and other things

Dear Journal,
I have been asked "How many times have you been in love?" I replied, "Many times."
While this may seem untrue, it isn't. There are many depths of love, as there are many types of love. I loved deeply twice, but been in love on a much lesser degree a few times. May my next love be as deep as it was with Charlie, although I have no wish to make a comparison between them. I love my friends, as friends. I have been in lust a few times as well. But that is neither here nor there.
How does on tell if one is in love? How does one tell if it is real? If you spend most of your time thinking about the other person in your life, and you feel lost without him/her, there's a good chance it's love. Unless you're obsessed. Have I ever been obsessed with anyone? I don't think so, although there may be a fine line between love and obsession.
Now on to other things.
I keep thinking about how things are as opposed to how they can be. It seems to me that people can bitch and whine about how things are, or they can start the process of different thinking so as to change things. How does one think differently than they are use too? First thing is to learn right thinking, then starting to cancel out the things that are wrong. You can't continue to think in your present mode, if you want things to get better. I do the same thing sometimes, and each time I cancel out the negative thoughts.
Look, what you focus on is what you bring into your life. To focus is to think intently about a particular thing. This is how you bring things into your life. So if you want things to be different, then learn to change your thinking. Stop feeling as if everything and everyone is against you, and do something about it. You can't change how people are, but you can change your reactions to people. Start acting, and stop reacting in your normal manner.
Look, do you want the real thing? Or just a rendition of what you hope to have? It's up to you.
Until then, peace...may she find you a willing recipient.
ravnone1

sadness

Hi All,

I feel sad today, but it feels like someone else's sadness. I felt it when I woke up this morning. I'm still processing who it is. But it is definitely someone I know. Been there, done that before. Plenty of times. Took me awhile to figure that out. Maybe, on the other hand, it's my sadness I feel.

This is just a process I go thru in my thoughts to figure this out. Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing? Am I just playing with people's lives? That would mean I'm playing god. No wait, I forgot, since we're all gods and goddesses in the making...that makes me a goddess. Wow! Damn, how cool is that?
There, now I've lightened up a little. Good. But the sadness is still there. I wish sometimes there were other ways of doing this, it does hurt. But sometimes we all have choices to make, and as such since I've made mine, I'll live with it. You know, one of my motto's is, 'don't do it if you can't live with it.' If I'm going to be constantly bitchin' at myself for what I did, then it's usually not worth it. Therefore, I just choose to not do it. Nah, it isn't always that easy, nor is that straight forward all the time. Whether I like it or not, there are shades of grey in our lives. I would prefer black and white, but when you merge the two, you have shades of grey. This is what we all deal with, even if we don't always realize it. And even in the midst of the black and white issue, there are still shades of grey.
Do you know the difference between 'here' and 'there'? Just one letter. Look at the spelling. And yet it also means to be somewhere else. As well as the following: The letter "T" is the 20th letter of the alphabet, it is the Greek tau, which also represents tinne, the holly tree in the Irish ogham alphabet. It is one of the four nucleotides used in building DNA; all four nucleotides have a common phosphate group and a sugar (ribose). The thyroid hormone similar to thyroxine but with one less iodine atom per molecule and produced in smaller quantity; exerts the same biological effects as thyroxine but is more potent and briefer. It is a hormone produced by the thyroid glands to regulate metabolism by controlling the rate of oxidation in cells. In the devil's dictionary, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." I don't personally believe in the devil, but since it was included in the definition of "T" on www.answers.com, I thought I would include it. Rather interesting don't you think?
The web is a wonderful thing, you can do research at the 'drop of a hat.' Now, if I can tie all this together for you. You know of course that oxidation causes rust, or aging. You have to breathe, but perhaps if you learned to breathe correctly, you might age slower. Either I'm here in my thoughts, or I'm somewhere else in my thoughts. When we think, we spiritually go where our thoughts are. You focus on things in 'real' time, but 'real' time isn't what you experience when you look at your clock to see what time it is. 'Real' time is the time in which you are experiencing your thoughts, and it doesn't always occur at the same time as what you perceive as time.
OK, enough for now.
Peace to all who seek her.
ravnone1

2nd post today

Dear Journal,
Sometimes I wish my life was just a little different. But what is the use of that? It wouldn't change anything. I'd still have things I have to do, which I'm glad to do, but still, there are things I'd change. OK, so what would I change? And why am I talking about this anyway? I am happy, and yet I'm restless. How can I be restless and happy at the same time? Some would say that I'm just kidding myself. I'm not, I know, because I've been here before. It just means I'm getting ready to leave, and that I'm doing a lot of introspection. I want to do more camping wherever I end up, and I need more time away from groups of people. I want a mate, but I don't want to be around a bunch of people. How can I think with all that noise? How can I do what I need what do with all the interference? There is just so much I can do with interference. What I need/want is usually what I get. Although there are times when I can't get anything done because of my letting things get in the way. I often phrase it as need/want...because if it's something I want, it is usually something I need.
I just had a great conversation with a friend. I missed talking to him this morning, and last night, but I had already made plans. Still, he intrigues me greatly. I can't help but wonder where this might lead.
I know how to be alone without feeling lonely. I know how to survive. I'm beginning to wonder where my path leads. I don't have a definite direction yet...I mean I have a general idea of where I mightgo, and that is to another part of AZ, or maybe to WV or NH.
I just have to wait and see. I would like to see my kids again, although they live in two different states, but I'm not adverse to staying in AZ if that is where I'm supposed to be. My 'kids' are already grown up, married, and have kids of their own, so they're not really kids anymore. While they do need to grow, as do we all, I am proud of them. I don't really care what state I'm in, as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I have a few true friends, and have either a mate or at least someone to date. Hell, I'm not that hard to please. At least I don't think I am. I'm not willing to settle for less than I want, when I can be selective. He has to be a strong man, but who also has a gentle soul. He has to stand for something, or else, like the song says, he'll fall for anything. In other words, he has to have principles. He has to accept me as an equal, because I'm not following anyone. I'll not lead him either, so he'd better be self-assured.
Damn, sounds like a dating ad. It isn't, just a little rant perhaps. I just write what I feel I need to at the time.
I guess that is enough for now. Peace to all of you who read this.
ravnone1

camping trip

Hi All,
What a great time. The camping trip was absolutely great. I went to the Alamo Lake Wildlife Area, went four-wheeling back to the river basin, so there was water, air, land and fire, since there was a campfire.
Saw a lot of tracks, a jack rabbit, and many birds. It was clean fresh air, and so peaceful. If I'd had the right equipment, I'd have wanted to stay. No people around for miles, and I felt so peaceful. It was hot during the day and cold last night, but all in all I'd say it was a success.
I do have things I need to do, or I would've been more tempted to stay. I really do think it's time to get back to the mountains. I'd like to find somewhere that is relatively close to people, but still somewhat secluded. This way I don't have to depend on people, which I don't like to do. I don't like being or feeling like I'm a burden.
I don't seem to have a lot to say right now, so I guess I'll just leave it at that.
Peace to all,
ravnone1

dreaming about painting the mountains

Dear Journal,
This should be an interesting weekend, I'm going camping...yah!!! While I'm camping, I intend to do a little magick, and since I do get interesting results at times; I always get results, just more interesting at times, so this should be very interesting indeed. I'll keep you posted on that.
I dreamed last night about painting the mountains and trees. I was using the palette knife to put the snow on the top and side of the mountains. It came out pretty good. I'm not sure where I was while I was painting, but it wasn't here at my bros'. I dream about many things, but art isn't one of them. I had a very interesting Tarot reading last night as well. I suppose some of you will think I dreamed about painting because of the Tarot, but I don't feel this to be the case. Hey, who's dreaming here? Me or you? LOL. Man, I love you guys, thank you so much for sharing my life. I have learned so much from each of you. All of you know who you are. I wish you love, and peace in all things. Which also indicated creativity and prosperity in some respects. It also mentioned romance, and learning more about things. Not the learning you do while a child, and your subjects are given to you, but rather when you are.say...in college, and you get to pick the subjects.
From the things that have been happening, this is a very real possibility, on all accounts. I even found myself teaching my sister-in-law, in KY, a little about changing your reality to how you want it to be. I'm use to having an entity around, even 2-3, but three semi-circles of people in chairs? Reminded me of when you're at college, listening to the professor. Of course, one of my past boyfriends had a niece and sister who use to call me the professor. I always got a kick out of it. I finished eight grade, quite school, got a GED after a few years, and went to school for about 3 months in a business college for business admin and security, but I am well read on numerous subjects. It does help to keep the mind flexible and young. I didn't even know they were calling me that until one Saturday when they needed to know something and I heard them talking about me. It helped them, and that is what counts, regardless of what they called me. It did make me feel good, tho. I know you usually spell 'tho' as though, but I prefer to spell it as tho. So, it isn't a misspelling, it's deliberate. Almost everything I know is self-taught, from books, from experience, other people, and the School of Life. Otherwise known as the school/university of hard knocks. I have survived a multitude of things, and I'm stronger and better for it. So are many other people, who I've been fortunate enough to cross paths with. From all whom I've learned anything, thank you. Even if you were playing the 'evil villain' in my life.
Besides the magick, and art, I'm thinking of getting heavier into the Tarot, and getting back into astrology and numerology. I'll have to re-learn the last two. Could even make money at it. This is if the Universe and I decided on me doing this in this life. Among all the other things I've been gearing up for.
Another thing I feel the need to say now, sometimes I come into a person's life, and then go out of it after I've passed on what I need to. This isn't because I don't care about you anymore, but rather because my life is not totally my own...I do often think about you and how you are. So please, don't think I've ceased caring about you. It's not in my nature.
I also need to elaborate on "but rather because my life is not totally my own". I firmly believe we are masters of our own reality, but I also know that we make agreements before we incarnate, whether it's one or many times, to do certain things. With each person it's different, it depends on a number of things, including how advanced you are. So while I learn to create my reality, I still have obligations to fulfill. While I live my life as I see fit, so to speak, I still work at getting things done that I contracted to do. We, all of us, are transient beings at best. Meaning we move into and out of people's llives all the time. The fact that now I have a plethora of people watching me and listening to me, I feel that I may be on the right track. If I'm not, they will tell me, and just give me a nudge in the right direction, like they always have. Make no mistake about it, they have guided me in all things in my life.
No matter how much it hurts, I still have the happiness and joy inside me, even when I'm so down that I want to jsut say "It's enough." But quitting isn't in my vocabulary, so it's not an option for me. When is it enough? When will it be enough? When mankind ceases to matter to me, and when I don't give a damn anymore. Even at my darkest moments, when I want to "go home", to a home which no longer exists...I still care. Why? Because you're worth it. I see the potential of what a great species you can be. Since I've been here, I've seen so much good as well as evil, and I've lived thru some of it. so I do know if you're worth it or not, at least from a personal stand point. If anything was going to make me give up, it would have been when Charlie died. We are worlds within worlds, and from the human part of me, he was my whole world. But from my point of view, the other part of me, he wasn't. My job encompasses a whole world as well. I know this sounds like a dichotomy, but it isn't. It's like this each time we're together, and yet I don't give up. Why? Do you think you're worth it? From a human stand point, if I were truly selfish, I'd just say the hell with it. But there is more at stake here than just my broken heart. And yes, I can see that some of you may think it isn't, but you don't live with it 24/7 like I do. Sometimes the bigger picture takes precedent over the individual parts, like in a play. It takes each one to make it work.
I guess I've chatted enough for right now, Journal.
Peace to all those who seek her.
ravnone1

no middle ground...or "git-r-done'

Hi All,
You know, I'm so tired right now. And yet I have so many things to do. I often am tired, my sleep patterns are screwy at times, but they serve my purposes well. Whether I'm tired or not, when things need doing, they get done as soon as possible.
I love the phrase form Larry the Cable Guy, "Git-r-done". It defines me so well, at times. I am a 'can do' person. I believe in doing what needs to be done to get it done.
I don't make plans, nothing is set in concrete, except my principles, I just do what comes into my mind. Sometimes there is no middle ground. And yet there are times when we do need to make a compromise. But not on our principles. That is never a cool thing to do. And yet, people do it all the time. For a variety of reasons. You don't need me to tell you why you do this, you already know. But think about this. What is life without honor?
What is life without principles? In my opinion, it is meaningless. It is useless. Why even bother living if it has no meaning? Life is full of meaning, and can be perceived as many things. It can also be perceived as containing many things.
Life is inside us, and so we each perceive it in different ways. All perceptions are based on our individual life experiences. We don't all see things the same, nor do the same things have the same meaning for each of us. This is another way we each order/create our own reality.
Many people whom I've talked to about Charlie, say they are sorry it didn't work out...meaning he died too soon. It did work out, just not the way I would've preferred. I would rather have Charlie here, alive, right now. But the Universe, and the Powers that Be, have other things for me to do, and Charlie had come to the end of this incarnation. So while we knew each other this time around for only a few days, I have many memories of him that will have to suffice until we meet again. Thus have some of my thoughts been today. So, yeah it worked out, just not like I wanted. Why? Or why not? Will I ever know? Eventually. Sometimes we are told why things happen, and sometimes not.
We, as a race, whether we are born here or are even human or not, want to know why things work as they do. Why so much pain? Why not more happiness? Because people learn when they are in pain, and sometimes even in happiness. If we get too cocky, we risk losing it all.
I also just remembered something, concerning when I'm tired for a few days. I expend a lot of energy, so of course I'm tired, but sometimes when I'm tired, it's because I need to work on things sub-consciously while I won't have the usual interference. Means I'm on the right track about something or even multiple somethings. And I'm usually learning something new, even being prepared for something new in my life. I do know that in the last month or so, that my physic abilities are increasing to new levels. They are stronger now than they have ever been. Interesting phenomena.
Guess that is enough for now.
Peace,
ravnone1

interesting day

Wow!
What an interesting day it was yesterday. A friend of mine carves creatures from wood, one of which is a 'witch troll' with an owl perched on her head. Twice before, she appeared to me, bigger than what the carving actually is, just before I moved to NM. Yesterday afternoon, late, she appeared as bigger than she actually is while at Lee's. I really like this little creature, I see her as wonderful. I do feel a connection with her, and sense a life within...but I also respect her. She is representative of primitive magick. Lee has told me that she has never done that before, and has no idea why she appears to me. Maybe she likes me?
Any while I'm used to spirits appearing to me, and hearing them, I'm not use to having a bunch at one time. Yesterday, I told Lee that he should sell his carvings, I had felt that the last time I was there, but didn't mention it because I thought he had already decided to not do that, and yet yesterday I had a really strong urge to tell him to sell them. We were also discussing a few other things, such as magick and the coming changes here on earth as well as spiritual and mental changes. Then I noticed, and saw within my mind that we had an audience. Three rows of chairs set up in a semi circle, filled with men and women, all dressed in white, were there listening to us. I said to them "Listening to us, are you?" They didn't answer, since none was necessary...but they stayed close to half an hour. I also felt as if I was visited by Charlie.
wanted me to know that he is still around. I've noticed that whenever I feel particularly down, he'll say " urge to say that yesterday after discussing some of these things, and then I heard Charlie say, "I know many may think it too soon to be getting on with life when he hasn't been gone that long, but he merely said, "Duktayp, baby." Sometimes I say, "Love you, too, baby" or "Duk tayp, baby", but sometimes I say "Sometimes duktayp just don't get it, baby." Whenever I would talk about certain things, Charlie would say "That girl, she just ain't right, she just ain't right." I had the urge to say that yesterday. To which I would reply, "I might not be right, but I ain't wrong either." I felt theDuk tayp, baby." It's just his way of letting me know he's still watching over me. I know this, and yet sometimes it hurts so much so as to make me cry. Happened yesterday. But that is ok. Shortly after he said that, our audience left. Maybe there's a connection, maybe there isn't. These people, and never so many at one time, as yesterday, ever come to listen to me. I have sensed before when I'd have an audience listening to me talk about things, but usually only one or two, maybe three. so, maybe I'm on the right track, and then again maybe not. I'm sure they'll let me know when I need to know.
I'm used to this, and yet it usually signifies change of some kind in my life. Since I'm always ready for change, that's fine with me. At least I have an interesting life.
I've always sensed others around me that most people can't see, and I've carried on conversations with them. This usually makes most people nervous, to say the least. Some tho, just take it in stride, as being who/what I am. I really appreciate this from you all, you know who you are, because this is truly a kindness. To accept a person exactly as they are is damn near too cool for words. I try, but don't always succeed, since I can usually see how they really are, and they're not living up to their potential. It pisses me off when they do this, and I expect them to do better. Maybe they don't want to do better...it's between them and the Universe, and the Powers that Be. And yet, it irks me. That is ok, tho, it's just me...wanting them to be the best they can be. Sounds like an army slogan. They aren't in my army. Hell, I don't even have an army. Not that I'm aware of. Maybe it's just the 'mommy' in me.
I think that about does it for this post. Peace to each and every one of you.
ravnone1

more about your reality

Hi All,
This was originally going to be entitled, "should I be a smart ass today?" Then I changed my mind. But I still might. Yeah, why the hell not? It's the kind of mood I'm in. Actually, I'm in a very good mood.
We make our own reality. Period. Our perceptions reside inside our minds. If you are knocked out for a period of time, you are totally unaware of anything. At that time, nothing exists for you, because you're unaware of it. This sounds like a smart ass statement, but actually it's true. Therefore, what you think on and focus your intent on is what you draw or bring to you.
Do you ever wonder about stuff? Just stuff in general? Like, oh say, where did animals get their names from? Who decided to call them that? Bears? Different spelling, but still they aren't bare. Or dogs? Why are they called dogs? Why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? Does the sun even move? How do you know for sure? The earth is turning, so maybe it's the earth, not the sun. Where does the name earth come from? Terra firma...meaning firm earth. Earth is usually called soil or dirt, and yet you don't hear people referring to the earth as dirt.
See what kind of mood I'm in? It feels good too. I can playful, or serious, or even funny. Whatever I am at the time, it's a choice, even if it's an unconscious choice. But then, since this is my reality, I choose to be happy. Hey, do I even exist? Do you? Or...are we all just figments of someones' or somethings' imagination? If so, who are they, or it? Why imagine any of us?
Life is merely a game, to help us to learn how to define our reality. Some times it sucks, sometimes it's joyful. It, again, all depends on your personal perceptions of it, based on your life experiences. It's been fun, thank you all for sharing my life experiences.
Peace,
ravnone1

an apology, page can now be seen in msie

Hi All,
I never realized until yesterday that my home page couldn't be seen in MSIE. It did work, because when I looked at it from our apartment before Charlie died. I usually use firefox, but haven't used MSIE for awhile. Once I realized the problem existed, I rectified. So for all of those who tried to see my page in msie, I apologize.
So why wouldn't it work in msie? No idea, but it's fixed. Thank all those involved in helping me.
I found a wonderful book online today, it is along the lines of how I believe, and it has helped me, so it might be something you use to help you as well. http://www.psitek.net/TheMessageOfAMaster-email1.html
That link will take you there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. So read it, see if it makes sense to you.
I'm not going to write a lot right now, mostly because I wanted to let you know that the page is now fixed.
Peace,
ravnone1

how does one define weird?

Hi All,
I thought it was time to look at a new word, that sometimes is used in connection with me. I did a google search for the word, 'weird', and this is what answers.com has to say:
weird (wîrd)
adj., weird·er, weird·est.

1. Of, relating to, or suggestive of the preternatural or supernatural.
2. Of a strikingly odd or unusual character; strange.
3. Archaic. Of or relating to fate or the Fates.

n.

1. 1. Fate; destiny.
   2. One's assigned lot or fortune, especially when evil.
2. often Weird Greek & Roman Mythology. One of the Fates.

tr. & intr.v., weird·ed, weird·ing, weirds.

Slang. To experience or cause to experience an odd, unusual, and sometimes uneasy sensation. Often used with out.

[Middle English werde, fate, having power to control fate, from Old English wyrd, fate.]

Ok, so there we have it. I suppose it might be a good term in reference to myself, I don't mind it. People have their own definitions for how other people are. In some cases it is nice to be different, in others it isn't. I guess it depends on the person as well as the circumstances.

I see a lot of weird people, and if I'm in that category, so what of it? At least I'm an individual. I would hate to be a clone. How boring that would be if we were all clones of each other. In fact, if you think I'm weird, maybe I feel the same way about you. Of course, it might just be the circumstances you find yourself in.

Life's funny that way, ya know. She always keeps you guessing as to what is coming up next. We can order/create our own reality because we have free will. And yet we have certain things we have to do...perhaps you might call that fate. What a conundrum. So which do we believe? That we have free will or that we are victims of fate? Maybe both? Maybe neither? You decide, it's your life. Also you might think about this. We all come to agreements before any particular birth in this plane of existence, and we do sign contracts to fulfill certain things in our life, such as what lessons we need/want to learn. There is a fine line there I suppose. Other than the contract being fulfilled, we have complete autonomy as to what our reality will be like.

This would by necessity include how we perceive people, as well as how we are perceived by others. Not all people can be labeled, although I'm sure it makes it easier for people to know what to expect if we have one. He's a redneck...therefore he can't even read and write. He's a yuppie, therefore he's a baby boomer. ETC. I think labels are really dumb, although sometimes I do find a certain perverse reason for them, like when I think people are acting stupid...so then I say, "some people are too damn stupid for words." Not nice, but sometimes true. It's really stupid to not look where you're going when you're driving, such as the red car who backed out of a parking lot without even looking. I know because I was there. This was at Fry's in Avondale. We were on the bike, we saw her and stopped, watched her, and she never did look where she was going until she was at the end of the lane. Now how dumb/stupid is that? Even down right rude. In my opinion, people like that are stupid, a menace to other drivers, and shouldn't be allowed to drive. It is my opinion, I'm entitled to it, and I stand by it.

I love etymology, the study of the origins of words. Some of them, their definitions and sound, is just so cool. Enigma, intrigue, etymology, entomology, and others. Codes fascinate me. Mysteries, action movies, things that make you think. Slang, and how it evolves over time also fascinates me. What a peculiar word 'fascinate' is, the 'c' and the 'e' are both silent. It is such a cool word. And yet it is true, many things fascinate me.

I guess I've written enough today, or at least for right now.

Peace,

ravnone1

nothing in particular

Hi All,
Today is Charlie's funeral. Even tho I was told there wouldn't be one. I hate this kind of BS. But that's OK, what goes around, comes around. I didn't need all the BS from his family. If they don't want to accept me, that's fine. I don't care.
I invited them to stay in our home, after his accident, and yet they treated me like I was an interloper. So what? I'll get over it. I've felt lousy all day, tired, a headache, and just plain tired. Then I remembered, it's his funeral today. OK, enough anger, I think. Time to move on.
This post will be about what I'll miss about Charlie. I won't hear his voice, or see his beautiful eyes. I won't see his wonderful smile, and I won't ride on the back of 'Lil Bit' ever again. I will remember all these things tho. In my mind, I will hear Charlie talking to me, I will see his eyes and see his smile. I will feel his touch, and ride his bike in my dreams and in my memory. Such a poor excuse for the real things, and not even an adequate substitute. But since it is all I have left, I shall always cherish them.
We all seem to live in memories at one time or another. It is one of the things that help us to cope with loss. It is also one of the things that is left us, when we are faced with such a loss. Charlie was my world, even tho there was room for friends and family. I am being realistic, even tho I know that some people think it's all BS. Regardless of how many times I fall in love with someone else, there will never be another love like this. No other person will ever touch me on the levels that he did.
Duk tayp, Charlie...and like I said a couple of times, sometimes duk tayp isn't enough. For this thing, your death, there isn't enough ducks in the world to make enough duk tayp to help me with this. If I had a long neck Bud, I'd raise the bottle and toast you, my love.
ravnone1

why I like posting here

Dear Journal,
Do you ever think people wonder why I post some of this stuff? Because I can. Actually its therapeutic, to put into writing what I feel and think about things. It's a whole lot better than holding it all in. They do make paper journals I know, but it wouldn't be any where near as entertaining. Just think of the shock value of some of the things I write. Now that's a laugh! I just love shock value at times. It does tend to be an attention getter. What can I say.
Hell, I can be serious, sad, happy, joyous, playful or whatever I feel at the time. And it's public, so anyone can respond to my thoughts. No one has to agree with me, and if you don't like what I say, then you don't have to read it. I write it because I like too. I'm old enough to say what I think and feel, but then I've always been that way regardless of how old I've been.
It's also a more permanent record of how I feel, and it's always going to be here. So I don't have to worry about losing it. No matter where I live, it is always available as long as I can get online. Online journals may also help others with their problems, if they happen to come across mine. If they have similar problems. Just suffice it to say, I like to entertain the masses.
Peace,
ravnone1

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Hi All,
Happy Mother's Day!!! This is a good day to write about mother's, and their relationships with family members. Most of us, (mothers) are not perfect. Neither is anyone else, for that matter. But when we are little, we think of our parents as gods, then as we grow up, we see all their flaws and lose 'faith' in them. I'm a mother, and I'm not perfect. Neither is my mother, nor are my daughters, who are now mothers. We look at our kids, and want them to be perfect. They can't be, neither can we be. None of us have learned enough yet. Let's let our children be themselves, accept them as they are, and love them anyway. Even if they aren't perfect, they are perfect for us. They have exactly the qualities we need to learn and grow, and to accept people as they are. Children teach us so much, and yet we need to be away from them for periods of time in order to truly appreciate them for themselves.
I love all my grandkids, and yet if I have to be around them, or any other kids for long periods of time, they get on my nerves. That is only natural. As we get older, we see how things are, and want them to be different because we expect more from them the older they get, as well as more from ourselves.
I'm not a very good grandmother, since I'm not there...but then again, if I'm not there, as much as I miss them, at least I won't be bitching at them. I do miss and love them, as well as my daughters. They are, each and everyone of them, special in their own way. They each have unknown potential to grow and become what they want. People we love have the hardest time with us, because we know what they're like, and they know what we're like. We all know each other's faults and fallacies, but we often forget they are learning too. Emotions come into play. Then we argue, disagree, say things we don't mean. That is really dumb. Mothers have a hard time raising kids, and the kids sometimes have a hard time growing up. If we don't accept our kids as they are, how will they ever learn to accept themselves?
We all want to be accepted and loved as we are. In the case of kids, shutting them out is not the answer. Each child is special in it's own way. As we grow up, (even adults need to grow up), we all learn more and more about our world, our surroundings, and what makes it tick for us.
Mother's are supposed to be there for us, and for many of us, they aren't. My mother wasn't, when she couldn't cope with things mentally or emotionally, she would become physically ill. So my brothers and I pretty much raised ourselves. I was a better mother than my mom, but I still made mistakes. I see my daughters making mistakes, and yet there's no point in pointing that out. They think I'm just being bossy and rude. I'm not, but they don't see that. I wish them well. I don't like interfering in their lives, and I hate to see them taken advantage of by anyone.
There are people in our lives who only want us to be taken down, and you know who you are. I know who you are, so do they. This isn't going to happen, so you might as well back off. We are prepared for your next assault, and like the web you are weaving, you will be caught up in it, even as you read this. There will be no escape for you, and no mercy given. While I do believe in mercy, I also believe in justice, not fairness mind you, but justice. No one ever promised fairness, but justice is a given. What goes around, comes around.
With all that said, I wish all a happy mother's day.
Peace,
ravnone1

living as a human

Dear Journal,
Do you possibly think I could've had a more boring day? I sincerely doubt it. Been there, done that...don't want to do it again. I even cooked dinner for my bro, fried chicken, potatoes, biscuits and gravy. Wasn't bad. In fact it was pretty good.
For those of you who think I don't have a life, think again. I do, and sometimes it has its' ups and its downs, just like anyone else.
For awhile now, I've discussed many things with friends, acquaintances and just people in general. One of the things I've discussed is the coming earth changes. It should make me nervous, it doesn't. Not since Charlie's death. I feel like I'm ready, I also feel peaceful and accepting of many things. I feel more compassionate, and yet there is a part of me that is angry about all this. I know this had to be.
We do create our reality, and yet there are things we cannot change, lessons we have to learn. There are decisions we must make, options we can create, and yet, due to what we must learn, there are things we cannot change, so we must accept them.
I am a humanoid in a human body, I truly believe this, and yet I know it sounds crazy...hell, maybe I am, but as with most things, it is subjective. As a being from another world, which no longer exists, I had to be born as a human, to experience what it's like to be a human, to understand why and how they can make some of the choices they make. That's the easy part.
The hard part comes when the earth changes come. I, like others, don't always have the patience to deal with people. I don't mean to put humans down, but ye gods! look at the mess you've made and are continuing to make of your planet, your home. Well, actually it's your home, but it sure as hell isn't your planet, it belongs to the Universe, as do all sentient beings, but then the Universe belongs to the Divine Will, which in turn belongs to the creators of all. Does this make any sense? Then perhaps you aren't evolved enough for the truth. But, the truth will out, my friend. When it does, so many people will be blind sided, it will be like being hit by a train.
I wish, even tho I really don't like being human, (it does have it's good points), that I could make it easier for you. I've lived here for 50 years, and I don't see that you've made any progress in ways that count. Where is your tolerance? Your compassion? Why do you not care for the well-being for your fellow man? Why do you think you have to be so selfish with everything? And that it has to be every man/woman for himself/herself? This isn't the way you were created to be. Do you not see the lessening of your self worth in your own eyes? Do you not see the loss of hope you are experiencing by doing this? If you do this to others, they will do it to you. This is how you think and act. Actually you don't even act, you react. You always want the other to change the way they act, and yet you do not want to change either your own actions or your reactions.
There will come a time when you will question all you have done, and you will feel so ashamed of the way you have treated your fellow man.You will think "God" has come with divine retribution. And yet, this is not totally true. The creator loves his creations, and experiences all that you do.There are things you must learn, including how to integrate your dark/negative side with your light/positive side. Here on earth, while we learn, we are pretty much equals. But we have different 'functions'.
There are a couple of places in your bible that say you may entertain angels unawares. There are 'watchers' here, as well as guardians, warriors who help to protect you...and yet, sometimes we question if it is worth it. We know it is, and yet we are so tired of all the non-sense you do.
If you love yourselves as you should, and love your neighbor as yourselves...then what is the problem. There are very many atrocities going on even as I type this, all in the name of "God". Where is the sense and love in this? Does he not have the same right as you? Why must you always push your beliefs on others? Why can you not be tolerant of your short-comings?
These are questions you will be asked.
I will leave you to sleep in peace for now, but be warned, the day is fast approaching when you will no more have peace until you find it in your hearts to be compassionate, forgiving and tolerant. When you see yourself as others see you, then perhaps you will be ashamed of your actions and reactions enough to finally grow up and evolve to your full potential. Because we are all full of potential.

one week since the accident

Damn! It's been one week, but it seems like forever, and yet time seems to be dragging on, at the same time. I hope this isn't one of those days that suck, emotionally, but I'll not bet on it either way.
I'll just do my best to stay in alignment with the divine will, and go with it. One of life's lessons is letting go. How does one let go of one's heart? Of one's world? Of one of the things in life that make each day special, because that person shares your life? It's hard. But it can be done, I've let go and am moving on, but it isn't easy. I don't have him here except in my memory, heart and soul. I remember his beautiful blue eyes, and wonderful smile. When he smiled, his whole face would light up. He looked at things in a unique way, and I treasure each memory.
He once told me that he wanted me to love him heart, body and soul..I said my soul is mine, but ya know, before he came home from work...I did, so I called him and told him. Every time I've ever been in love, some part of me was in reserve, but not with him. I held nothing back. It felt really good to love and trust someone that much. I knew when I heard his voice on first phone contact that he was the one. Now the one is gone, in physical form, but is always in my heart and mind.
And even tho I do understand, and accept my loss, I am so angry with him an even with the Universe. One of the reason's I'm so accepting, is because I knew well in advance that it wouldn't last very long. I didn't know it would be because of his death. It seems as if I have these memories of other times we've been together, and they didn't last long either...although some of them were very long. No matter how long, it is never enough time with Charlie, my beloved. Whether it is weeks or years, it seems as if it is never enough time for us to be together. I know there is a pattern there, but I don't yet have enough facts about this to perceive the reason for this.
Charlie, I will always love you and cherish your memory, regardless where life takes me, or who enters my life. That is one thing I will always have.
Peace,
ravnone1

if I had my way...:))

Hi All,
I just found out earlier that, guess what, there will be a funeral for Charlie. Anonymous posted a very nice piece from elsewhere off the web, which I really liked. And if I had my way about it, then a biker who knew Deuce would come to me and take me to the funeral on Monday, so I can read that piece, and then bring me back here. Just because I can. For no other reason. Yeah, I'm pissed off, but that's OK, I'll get over it.
Ya know, there's no reason to tell me to be realistic, 'cause ya never know what will happen in my life. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if ain't meant to be, it just won't happen.
Miss ya baby, duk tayp.
ravnone1

a few thoughts

Hi All,
I don't know if I have a lot to say or not in today's' post. I had a great time with a friend yesterday. We did a lot of talking about many things. He is one of the few people I talk to about magick that understands what I"m referring to. We have some really intense discussions about things. Including the coming earth changes.
Speaking of which, we've both had feelings of things to come, and of steps we need to take to get thru these changes. The changes are not only physical for the earth, but are mental, and spiritual for the people.
There are many who won't understand, and will think it's the apocalypse of Revelations. They will perceive many to be demons or prophets, because they don't understand what is going on. I empathize with them, and truly understand how/why they think the way they do. There are going to be entities who don't have humankind's best interests at heart here. Hey if I was the enemy, I'd make a preemptive strike right in the middle of the chaos. As well as sow a few red herrings along the way before the change begins.
And since I'm not the enemy, I need to think like them in order to know how they will
act. Regardless of what religion we practice, we are all taught about certain things, which may or may not be erroneous. Tings are not always what whey seem. People are not always what they seem to be either. If you're a christian, the bible tells you that you may entertain angels unaware, the same could be said of what you think of as demons. Therefor, the watchers, the warriors, and the guardians are also not perceived as different by humans, and yet they are here for your protection and to help when the time comes.
Many will think that these entities are demons, when in fact they are here to help you, but since you don't know that, you'll try to kill them. Little do humans know about the Universe, and her true workings. Little do you understand about living here, the lessons you have to learn, the reality you are creating even now as I type this. When an advanced entity comes here, who does understand at a little of the truth, you usually react in fear and kill them. Not all is as it seems.
You claim to want world peace, and that you are tolerant of other people's belief systems. And yet, it's always "my way, or we'll blow you to hell and back", so to speak. How can you legitimately say this is what you want when your actions speak louder than words? All countries should be allowed the freedom to make choices. We don't have to like their choices, the people make their own reality based on a number of things. I don't agree with many things people do, but it is their choice.
I guess I've said enough for now.
Peace comes to those who will allow her to.
ravnone1

6:06 a.m.,here I am , on my own again

Dear Journal,
Don't ya just love life? With all it's twists and turns, all it's heartaches and pains, all it's love and joy, it's still wonderful. Love can make you feel like you're on top of the world one day, and in the pits of hell the next. We're all here to learn, regardless of where we're from. I learned from Charlie that I can be accepted for myself and the #1 person in my life would still love me enough to stay. I learned that what it's like to mourn for a person who is your whole world, the person who touches you on levels you've never been touched on before. I learned that while I thought I liked riding on the back of a bike, I really love riding on the back of a bike. On the bike and even off, I trusted him implicitly. He is the only person in my life I've ever felt that much trust with. I used to think I didn't trust anyone, then I came to realize that trust is actually by degrees. I learned that my other person is almost like a mirror in some ways. I've heard that when we don't like something about another person, it's because it's something about ourselves that we don't like. Maybe that's true and maybe it's not, I have often thought about it, and sometimes it seems to be true, but not always. If it is then I guess I like me a lot then. Which I already knew. I do like me, I even love me. If I were sitting next to me in a bar, I'd buy me a beer. Preferably a long neck Bud, Charlie called me a bottle baby when the bartender ask me the first time if I wanted a glass and I said no. My time with Charlie was very short, but it has had such an impact on my life. Charlie was my hero, he went thru so much in his short life, and yet he refused to give up. I have another friend, Lee, who should've been added to the list a long time ago. Heroes are people I look up to and can learn from, but I refuse to put them on a pedestal, since if I become disappointed in them, they'll not be heroes anymore. So, I recognize that they have faults and fallacies, and they're still heros.
Life is meant for living, so I intend to live it as full as I possibly can. I've been in love quite a few times, and it has usually been a conscious decision. This is the first time I've fallen in love without making a decision about it. Love should be spontaneous. This is the best way; there is an Italian term, which means "hit by the thunderbolt." Can't find the Italian word, but the meaning is exactly what happened to me. It was literally like coming home. I felt empty and full at the same time, at peace with myself. It was like looking into a still river, or watching a thunderstorm or...oh hell, it's hard to describe, unless you've been hit you won't know what I mean. That sounds rather obnoxious I know, or even smug, sorry. It isn't meant to be. I read about being hit by the thunderbolt once before, and wondered what it would be like. Now I know. That was over twenty years ago, and I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. Now I know what it's like. It's truly awesome, and awe inspiring.
With that thought I think I'd best post this before it becomes a mini novel.
Peace,
ravnone1
p.s. fellow biker & 'clamdigger', I would appreciate it if you contacted me, but it is your decision and I'll respect your wishes on the matter.

hmmm...now what?

Hi All,
I've made a tough decision. NO, I'm not leaving. But I have decided to go back on POF, because that is one way to meet new people, to make new friends. I'm not sure I'm ready for actual dating, but I need to meet new people. So on POF, I've specified making friends.
I know it seems callous to go on POF so soon, but I can't cope with this like this. Meeting new people, and doing things will get my mind off of this pain, even if for short periods of time.
I hope all of you will understand. I don't think Charlie would mind, he certainly wouldn't want me to mope around, since life is for living.
Why am I being defensive? I'm not, I do feel like I'm justifying my decision. I'm not so shallow that I've lost my feelings for Charlie, and I know that my friends understand that, just like they understand me.
Peace,
ravnone1

it's been how long?

Let's make this a dear journal entry,
It's only been a few days. I can't see him, or touch him, except in my mind. I can still see him, and hear him in my mind. I can feel his presence. Which is a godsend. It feels like it's been forever. I miss you Charlie.
I use to wonder if I would ever find someone who accepted me for me, and would still love me enough to stay with me. I also use to wonder if I even knew what true love feels like. If I didn't then, I sure as hell do now. They say love heals all things, so why does it have to hurt so much?
I'm fine, except when I'm not, to paraphrase a song. I do well, then get hit in the gut, ya know? I don't know how to deal with this, and yet I am dealing with it.
You know, I believe there's a reason for everything that happens. In that case, at least one of the lessons I've learned is how love feels on this level. This kind of love.
I have a wonderful network of friends who are there for me, and they have been such a big help to me. If not for them, I would probably totally lose it. I thank all of you for your concern, your caring, and your support in this period of my life.
I have been touch with my family, and they are also supportive. My daughters, Eva and Joey, are in touch with me...although Joey is contacting me thru Eva. At least they are talking to me, which I really appreciate. Eva thinks I should mention the fact that I adopted out 2 daughters, and had a miscarriage, which would've been a son. I think it's a moot point, but I did mention it, and so there. Why the hell that should be, I've no idea. She says what if they should see it sometime? They know where I am, or at least they know people who do know where I am if they should like to contact me. They choose not to, so why should I talk about them? Choices were made, it's in the past, and there's nothing to gain by talking about it. My brother, who lives here in AZ, is very supportive. He liked Charlie. He also likes the rest of my friends.
Some of the guys I've dated wanted me to lose the friends, so to speak. I refuse to leave my friends just because of a guy I'm dating, and besides I like talking to them. Charlie never had a problem with me talking to my friends. They are here for me now, so I am truly glad I kept them in my life, and that they allow me to share their life. They are, each and everyone of them, very wonderful people. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. Love all you guys.
I miss my family, meaning especially my daughters, and grandchildren, but I need to be here in this place at this time. I love you Joey, Codie, Patrick, Annie, and Kat. I love you Eva, Chris, Haylee, Nathaniel, and Emily. I even miss the sons-in-law, Mike and Paul. Peace to us all.
ravnone1

This is a quote from Deuce, my fiance, who passed on 05/04/2007. He died, but was resuscitated and later had life-support removed. But since he died at the scene, he died like he wanted, while riding a motorcycle. Charlie was a wonderful man, and when we met, it was like coming home for both of us. The quote adequately sums up what he was like. "Work like you don't need the money, Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never get hurt." loved him so much, a part of me is gone forever, and I truly miss him. May Peace find us all a willing recipient,
ravnone1

forgiveness

Hi All,
It is with a sad heart that I inform you that I am back at my brothers' home. It didn't work out with me staying at the apartment where Charlie and I lived. I won't go into details out of respect of Charlie, but there is definitely lack of understanding when people re-word your statements so that what you say isn't what you said at all.
I think it is probably easier to be here than in the old apartment. All things work for our good, so they say. I miss Charlie, and I always will. But it is time to move on. yes, I will mourn, and since I can't go to the funeral, since there isn't going to be one, I will have my own memorial service. The sisters say they are going to do the cremation, then bury him beside his dad, and that there isn't going to be a funeral service. I will forgive them, but for them to be so callous in their dealings of both Charlie and myself is ludicrous. Maybe they have since yesterday re-thought the situation and decided to have one, but I doubt it, perhaps they will have a memorial service. It is out of my hands now. But I intend on drinking a long neck Bud and toasting Deuce, and I don't give a damn whether they like it or not. Here's to you Deuce, who once told me he had thought about legally changing his name to Deuce, no last name, just Deuce. Duk tayp, baby, no geese, forever.
Peace,
ravnone1

Hi All,
This is a pic of my Charlie. This was taken in the apt complex where we lived, and where I now live if things work out the way I wish.
I really miss him, and this is really a letter to Charlie, also known as Deuce and Ezryder. I promise to be nice about it. Or I should say as nice as it is possible to be, for me. This is one of the ways I"m coping with this traumatic loss I've experienced. So please , bear with me as I crawl my way out of my own personal hell.
Duk tayp, baby, no geese, forever. I miss you and I wish you were here. There will never be another you. Nor even anyone close to what you are like. You're a good man Charlie. I have no regrets, and no bad memories. Yes we did argue a bit, and for that I'm sorry. I did trust you implicitly, babe, so you needed to trust me as well and not jump to conclusions about my leaving. Like I said, I'll never leave you. I didn't either, but you left me, even tho you said you wouldn't. You put a burden on me, my love, by asking me to not let you fuck this up. That isn't my job, it's yours. I wouldn't have left you without telling you sweetie. I know you know this deep down, even when you were worried about it. I'm a woman of my word, and I keep it, to the best of my abilities.
When we met, for each of us, it was like coming home. We had a connection like no bodies' business. This bond seems to both of us to have been shared over many lifetimes, maybe even different planes of existence or different worlds. I ask why you had to leave me so soon, I was told that it is because of divine will's plan, he has bigger plans for me, I didn't ask him to, so why should he. Did the divine will ever think I might have my own plans? Doesn't matter, because I didn't have any plans anyway. I try to be alignment with the divine will, don't always succeed, but I try. What bigger plans? He won't say, just says, "you'll see." Can't wait to see it implemented.
Deuce, I really love you, yes it is in the present tense. I know some things are not meant to be, but my question is why? Sometimes there is an answer, sometimes there is no answer. Maybe I'll know someday, maybe I won't.
I guess I'll end this post now.
Peace,
ravnone1

Charlie dead, and increments of time

Hi All,
This is a particularly sad time for me. On Friday, the 4th of May, Charlie was involved in a fatal collision. Apparently he didn't see the truck he collided with. He was airborne for a distance. There were no skid marks, and no road rash. His heart had stopped beating, and he had stopped breathing. The paramedics resuscitated him. On Sunday morning, at 3:26, he passed away, due to severe brain injuries.
I wouldn't have thought it possible to fall in love so quickly...and with only hearing a voice on the phone that said "you're home." When he saw me in person, he said he saw "welcome home" written on my face. We truly did seem to be in each others' head. Truth is I didn't even think I'd like him, he seemed so conceited in chat, until I talked with him on the phone.
Charlie was a wonderful person, and even tho he had faults like anyone else, he was perfect for me. I will and do miss Charlie. There isn't anyone who can fill that hole in my heart. I'm fairly well now, but when I'm alone and his sisters leave, I know I'm going to fall apart. As will they. I will be ok, ye gods help me to be. I have a few loving friends whom I can count on for emotional support, I just ask that I'm not a burden on them. I don't think I will be, but I sure hope not.
I talked to Charlie when he was in the hospital, and I told him that life is lived in little bitty increments. And that people are too proud to talk things out before something like this happens. They will bitch and moan, but not discuss the real issues. Yes I had a couple of issues with him, but nothing major. I was willing to stay and work on it, and yet when Charlie read my blog, he thought I was leaving. I wasn't, and told him so. I don't know if he believed me or not. I hope that he did.
Charlie, in many ways, was my world. It was like coming home, I don't have any other way to describe it. We were home, and now he's gone. I will probably write more later, but for now, peace.
ravnone1

pagan/witch...answer for yesterday's question

Dear Journal,
Yeah, it's one of 'those' entries. Once again, duh!, I have forgotten an important thing about me. I'm a witch, a pagan...I don't have to accept what I don't want in my life. I can change it. I hate it when I forget such simple things. I always change that which I don't like. Remove things, add things, etc. Just like any good little witch. So it's time to go on the offense, until such time as I need to go on the defense.
I forgot why I do magick in the first place. It's to make my life better. I've not been disappointed in my magickal practices yet. It's time to stop acting like a 'mortal', and act like my heritage deems best, to be a witch/pagan with all it entails. I'm not saying I'm not a mortal, but for lack of a better word, I chose that one. Some people use magick naturally, and some people live in the mundane world. Since there is no reason to not use it, I'm going to. Although, I would use it regardless, it's in my nature.
I don't really care what anyone else thinks about my approach to life, since I prefer to do what works for me. There is nothing I truly want, material wise, although when there is, I usually gt it. I want peace of mind, and that is usually obtained by doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really simple, which is why I keep forgetting it. Doesn't mean I'm dumb, just not paying attention.
Peace to all,
ravnone1

elaboration

Damn! You know what journal? I feel like I'm getting on the defensive, with a lot of things. Btw, DG, thank you for the vote of confidence. Now on with the rest of the story.
This is why I feel as if I'm on the defensive. I know I have problems with my past, hell we all do, even if we don't admit it. But past experiences are what we make comparisons against when faced with new situations. Not necessarily people from the past, but rather their actions. So if someones actions, (not just DG, either) are similar to actions from the past, I'm going to question them. Not that I'm trying to 'make a scene' or be a bitch, but that's the way it is.
I'm really tired of people saying they like me fine as I am, when they don't. Then want to know what is wrong. This is getting to be really depressing. One of the things is because I've lived alone so long, I had one relationship that lasted for 17+ years, since I was 16. Any other relationship I've had lasted for 3-5 years, if I decided it might be worth it. Most of the time it wasn't. I mean, from the stand point of a learning situation, yes it was worth it. But that is all it apparently was.
I guess I'm just not very good at relationships. But if you think that I think so little of myself as to take full blame for all these things, guess again. It takes two or more for it to become a fubar. I hope it isn't headed there, but it feels like it sometimes. Sometimes I don't totally understand someones motives, regardless of who they are, but I'm not stupid either.
I am dealing with my problems, and yet I am so freakin' tired of everything...I'm not just physically tired, I'm mentally and emotionally tired, even spiritually tired. I desperately need rest, and yet I'm not getting it. How does one get this kind of rest? Good question, but one to which I have no answer as of yet. I will be glad when I do.
I feel as if I keep fuckin' up, and yet I know I'm not the only one to blame. But when you are allowed to believe any one particular thing from anyone, and then find it's another, it's kind of hard to cope with. This is a pattern that I need to analyze, and then rectify. I'm not willing to give up on myself, regardless of what others' may choose to do.
Deep down I know I'm worth the effort, regardless of what others' may think. This is why I'm willing to keep trying over and over to make it work, in some situations, at least those I've not walked out on.
Ye gods, but I'm tired! I just want to rest. I can't rest like this, regardless of how much sleep I get. It's like being on a goddamned treadmill. Damned monotonous. I'm tired of explaining myself, it's getting to be boring, explaining myself to people. Maybe people hear me, and then again, maybe they don't. I have to admit, I have a problem both with English and with verbalization in general. In the last three months, I've had someone tell me there's nothing wrong with me, and yet there seems to be. Why the hell is that? Oh hell, never mind. I'm not going to talk about it anymore. Journals are supposed to be good therapy, which is one of the reason I write here, but sometimes I wonder. Maybe there is no help for me. BUT, don't fuckin' bet on me believing that...and no, there hasn't been anyone say that to me. I wish all of you peace,
ravnone1...from the raven's lair
P. S. To each one who has shared my life in some way, I thank you for your patience, and your caring, even if it didn't work out. You shall remain in my mind and heart.

P.P.S. Forgive my overuse of so many cuss words.

why I feel/act like I do: for inquiring minds

Hi All,
This is another 'dear journal' entry. I have come to the conclusion that I need to explain my actions for those of you who don't perceive why I do things the way I do. Although I don't really 'need' to, I figure I owe it to you so you might per chance understand. OK, here goes.
I have, over the past few months, come into and went out of a few people's lives in a short period of time. This has been for a variety of reasons. I see no reason to stay in some one's life, other than as a friend, if you aren't the right person for me. There are many reasons why I might not perceive you as the right person for me. If I choose to stay in your life it is because I wish to, and you don't mind me hanging around in your life, after we've been more than just friends.
While I admit to being jealous, and possessive, I try to not go overboard without what I perceive as a good reason. Which I admit can be misinterpreted. I don't have a low self-esteem problem, I do have a problem with rejection. In fact, unless I've chosen to leave, the men who see me and decide they want me, find they really don't like me after awhile. They don't like the adhd and all that entails. They don't like the mood swings, and I'm afraid that's rather like living with PMS quite often. For whatever reason, they just don't like me, and want me to change. So far, Charlie hasn't wanted me to change, except the biting. duk tayp, baby, duk tayp. It is funny in it's own way, and yet it hurts to not be accepted for myself.
I have no intention of changing who/what I am, I like me...so if you don't/didn't like me, that's your personal loss. I know it's hard to have a relationship with me, and I've warned each guy involved, who has said, "nah, you're fine. what's hard about it?" Guess they were wrong, since I'm not with them.
I have found, in my life there is a pattern, when it comes to relationships. I go into a person's life, regardless of how long it lasts, and then I'm gone, either by my choice or theirs. When they learn that which I have to teach them, then I'm gone. So for whatever reason that I'm not in your life, maybe you needed to wake up about something.
I feel good about my relationship with Charles, but I have to admit (at least to myself) that I wonder if he will be like the others and want me to leave soon. I hope not, but who knows. When I was in NM, I said that I wasn't going back to my brothers' in Phoenix, but I did. This time, I won't. I'll just leave for parts unknown. I don't stay where I'm not wanted. So I hope this works out. I'm trying really hard to make it work, and yet retain my identity.
There are people who are going to question why I feel the need to write this. That will remain my business until I decide to make it otherwise. I have lived alone for a long time, with the exception of a few times with my daughters in separate incidences. I didn't get along with them, and I wonder if I ever will. I would truly like to, because I do love them. Both sides needed to more accepting of each other. I am learning to accept other people's way of life, I think they need to accept mine as well. I can think for myself, and make my own decisions. I won't put on a facade for others, if this is embarrassing for you, then by all means, remove yourself from my presence. I don't need to be there. that is also a few of the reason's I left my daughters' homes. They think I'm often rude, and that I need to change my ways. Ain't going to happen. I'm actually sorry that people are offended by my candor, and that they think I'm rude and need a few more social skills. Sorry for them, not me. People need to stop thinking we all need to be politically correct all the time.
Frankly, I wish this was all over and done with. It's nerve wracking, the waiting I mean. But...on the bright side, I can live my life one day at a time as if it were my last day here on earth. I'm not asking people to change, or become stagnant, but rather to maintain consistency when it concerns me. I don't think it's too much to ask. And, if it is...too freakin' bad. There are things I don't care to put up with. I think they are ludicrous,and I think it is ludicrous to even expect me too, as this is a new relationship, especially since we've both been rejected in the past, several times, for being ourselves.
Why is it that men always think it's the woman who should change? And the woman thinks it's the man who should change? Why can't they just meet halfway? Hell there is such a thing as compromise. At work, or wherever else you're usually at with friends is one thing, but to have them intrude into our private time is just plain inconsiderate. I may not like all things in my life, some I can accept, some I won't. We'll see how long I can tolerate this. I can understand some things, but not others. And I hate repeating myself, while it's true that people do forget fro a variety of reasons, (including me), I still shouldn't have to keep repeating myself. It shows a lack of caring if I have to repeat myself, because you didn't care enough to listen. Now, people, I've said all I'm going to say on the matter of what the fuck makes me tick, for right now, at least. And no, I'm not getting ready to leave Charlie, can't say he won't ask me to leave tho. Hell, others did. What's meant to be, will be, and what ain't meant to be, just won't happen.
Peace,
ravnone1