Friday, May 11, 2007

one week since the accident

Damn! It's been one week, but it seems like forever, and yet time seems to be dragging on, at the same time. I hope this isn't one of those days that suck, emotionally, but I'll not bet on it either way.
I'll just do my best to stay in alignment with the divine will, and go with it. One of life's lessons is letting go. How does one let go of one's heart? Of one's world? Of one of the things in life that make each day special, because that person shares your life? It's hard. But it can be done, I've let go and am moving on, but it isn't easy. I don't have him here except in my memory, heart and soul. I remember his beautiful blue eyes, and wonderful smile. When he smiled, his whole face would light up. He looked at things in a unique way, and I treasure each memory.
He once told me that he wanted me to love him heart, body and soul..I said my soul is mine, but ya know, before he came home from work...I did, so I called him and told him. Every time I've ever been in love, some part of me was in reserve, but not with him. I held nothing back. It felt really good to love and trust someone that much. I knew when I heard his voice on first phone contact that he was the one. Now the one is gone, in physical form, but is always in my heart and mind.
And even tho I do understand, and accept my loss, I am so angry with him an even with the Universe. One of the reason's I'm so accepting, is because I knew well in advance that it wouldn't last very long. I didn't know it would be because of his death. It seems as if I have these memories of other times we've been together, and they didn't last long either...although some of them were very long. No matter how long, it is never enough time with Charlie, my beloved. Whether it is weeks or years, it seems as if it is never enough time for us to be together. I know there is a pattern there, but I don't yet have enough facts about this to perceive the reason for this.
Charlie, I will always love you and cherish your memory, regardless where life takes me, or who enters my life. That is one thing I will always have.

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