Dear Journal,
I want to discuss a number of things today. A friend of mine, says the Dineh..the Navajo, have a saying...Walk in beauty. This is a beautiful saying, and it should pertain to all peoples, everywhere. Unfortunately, many people refuse to face reality and take responsibility for themselves...then end up on drugs or as alcoholics. This is no way to live. We are all responsible for ourselves, as well as each other. But in order to do this, we must first stop the blame game.
I knew for awhile that Charlie would die, and yet it was the way things must be. No, I don't like it, but it is also a fact that we can't always change things.
Charlie, in a manner of speaking, was my whole world. I know some of you know what I mean by that. Of course other things exist, but he was the most important. Now he's gone and I know how it feels to lose someone so close that you literally live inside each other's head. It's like a big piece of me is missing. Will it ever be replaced? Not bloody likely. Will I ever love again? Damn straight I will, and no matter how deep it is, it will never be the same. That's ok, since I don't want another Charlie. Just someone who is right for me, as Charlie was. I have no intentions of making a comparison between him and anyone else.
I keep asking myself, how do I do this? One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I know he isn't coming back. This has had a very big impact on my life. Of course, the same as if it were anyone else. No one is untouched by death, it is a fact of life, but it is also just a part of the overall cycle. Still it really hurts. The part of me that understands all this accepts it, but the part of me which feels the pain wants him back, and I have no idea how to reconcile the two parts of me.
I've had an interesting weekend. I'll not go into details, but some men need to freakin' grow up. Life goes on, and by the way...I detest guys who are afraid to do what the know they need to do, as well as those who expect others to think for them. We all need to take responsibility for ourselves. I'll be nice, and not reveal any names. If you didn't do it, then don't worry about it...this statement is to those who did.
I am creating options, as I always do. I'll do what I please, and I'll go where I please, simply because I do pay my own way. I don't need anyone's permission to do as I damn well please, including taking chances. Hell's bells!!! All life is a chance. What do you think I'm supposed to do? Sit on the sidelines, or stay in a rut, or eeek!!! let someone else run my life? It ain't gonna happen. When I want a boss, I'll hire one. If my attitude and my ideas make me a bitch, then so be it. Just remember: I freakin' earned the right to be one, and most of what I've learned, I learned it from guys. So if you don't like the way I am, maybe you should take a long look at yourself...then come and bitch to me about what you don't like. Maybe I'll have an answer for ya. I realize that sometimes ppl tease, and if I know that's all it is...it might be ok, but don't think it's ok if you don't even know me.
I don't take advantage of other people, nor do I use ppl...I have a life and I don't need to do that. You ppl who don't have a life, man, you need to get one.
Look, I can understand being nervous or even anxious about doing things with ppl you don't even know, but how the hell else you gonna get to know them. I grew up with brothers, so maybe I take different types of chances than most of the ladies you guys know. That's fine, but please, don't make the mistake of thinking I'm an idiot, or dumb, or stupid. I actually have a very high IQ, and so far from what I've seen...no insult intended, but I do have a mind, and I do know what I want. Can't say that about some of you. And...at this moment I don't give a damn about that either.
No one is perfect, although we can strive for it. There is no Mr./Ms. Perfect out there...only the one who's perfect for you. I have faults, so does everyone else. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You're part of the "everyone else", as am I. I don't claim to be perfect. Neither should you. I must admit, I've never yet met anyone who actually said they are perfect.
Ok, enough ranting. LOL. Today was a beautiful day, even tho I was at my brother's. I would much rather have been out doing something. But that is ok, I did some thinking...oh no! she's thinking!!! now that's just down right dangerous. Someone, I forget who, it's been years... said tat to me. I think it's funny, thought it was funny then too. I thought about my past, my present, and my future. I thought about the things to come. I thought about the patterns that most ppl don't seem to perceive. If I want to understand something, I only need to look at the pattern to see where it's going, how it's going to be, and what will happen. It's quite interesting really.
I think that's enough for now. Peace to all of you.
ravnone1
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