Sunday, April 1, 2007

how the past can influence the present

Hi all,
You know people, you think you leave the past behind, and get it all worked out in your head, and then...wham...something happens and there it is, in your face again. I prefer male friends, I grew up with brothers, four of them, and no sisters. They talk about so many interesting things, whereas teh women I've talked to usually don't. Besides whihc, my male friends I can trust. The women friends, when I've chosen to have them, have always betrayed me in one way or another. Women are fine, but not as my personal friends. And it has nothing to do with sex. Many of the men I know, prefer women friends. There's nothing wrong that, either.
The problem begins when the person I'm with wants me to have/make women friends and forget my male friends. Or when they get all jealous and have a hissy fit over my going out with a male friend. It has to do with trust. Either you trust me or you don't. If you don't, maybe I shouldn't trust you either. You should be, ideally, confident enough in your self, to afford me the same trust I garner you. One of my boyfriends broke up with me for that very reason, I had men friends. He had women friends and he didn't trust me. My men friends weren't calling me at all times of the day and night, and yet his women friends were. My mate in nm expected me to make women friends even tho he knew how I felt. Now, the love of my life felt threatened because I chose to go ut with a friend instead of coming to his house for the weekend. I think this whole attitude sucks.
It seems as if every boyfriend I get seems to think I come with ownership papers. I have no intention of breaking up with Dave, but I am also not going to give up my friends. Only a fool gives up friends for their boyfriend or girlfriend. If the friends are interfering, then ask them to lighten up and back off. They might be wrong. My friends know that I'm an adult, with enough sense to see the truth. If they think I'm making the wrong decision, tehy may tell me, but they will still be my friend and respect my decision.
The whole thing is, I am an adult. I'm capable of making decisions, I don't need other people to make decisions for me. I know what the word honor means. I know that trust is earned. I know that love seeks to enlighten, not hurt. And yet, sometimes we are hurt by those we love and who profess to love us. Sometimes they do. And sometimes they seek to be in control of our decisions, out of a sense of loyalty or even mistrust. Why did I choose him over you? I didn't choose him over you, but since you aren't into some of the things I am, and my friend is, and I hadn't seen him in awhile...I chose to spend time with a friend. We drank coffee, ate and discussed many things. Especially magick, and yes you came up. I trust my friend's opinion. And he can play devil's advocate very well. He can also give me a man's point of view. You don't have to feel threatened by my friends. I'm the real threat you have to worry about. Because I don't put up with bs for very long. Either we work on things for real, or we end it. So, suck it up, and deal with it. Just as I have to do, and yes I know that it's my past I'm dealing with...but you are also dealing with your past as well. I'm not her. I'm me. Accept me for myself...not what you think I should be. Don't try to change me, don't try to fix me. I don't need fixed. If I do, I'll fix's not your job. I love you, but it won't stop me from leaving you, if that is what I need to do. so be cool, and keep your head. I'm dealing with hurt and anger. But it is my hurt and anger. I am responsible for how I feel, not someone else. I allowed my past to come to the fore, because of your reaction to my decision to spend time with a friend. Life is about options. Now I'm dealing with it. But it is good, I think, because it shows me I still have unresolved issues about the past. So it is better to know and take care of it now, rather than later. Yeah, I know this a public posting...but I'm not trying to hide anything anyway. Besides, maybe it might help someone else.

1 comment:

dG said...

well you dont have me to compare to anyone else now..