Sunday, April 29, 2007

am I making progress? self-analysis

Hi All,
I sometimes I feel as if I'm not, even tho I know I am. I can see the progress I'm making, so why does it feel as if I'm not? Perhaps I'm trying to move to fast, even if I don't have to. I want to address a few concerns here tonight.
Headaches, feeling I'm not making progress, and feeling frustrated as if I'm stuck in a rut. The headaches can be stress related in part, but may also be because I feel the need to punish myself for not moving fast enough. Self-analysis, can be a wonderful thing. Although sometimes it can be painful. I know I'm always under stress, for a variety of reasons. I also know I have migraines sometimes when there are earthquakes. I would like to stop having headaches, but there is a part of me that is afraid that if I did, then I wouldn't have my abilities anymore. They are as much of me, and as natural to me as breathing. I know deep down that this isn't true. That if the headaches are gone, I will still have my abilities. But there is a part of me that isn't quite convinced yet.
Second point, that I'm not making progress. I can see the progress I'm making, even if it doesn't feel that way. So why do I feel that way? Is it because I won't be ready in time? Perhaps. But it might also stem from the fact that my parents weren't very supportive of me and my brothers, always calling us dumb and stupid. I do make stupid mistakes, but that doesn't make me stupid. and I hardly think I'm dumb. I must admit that I do often have what seems to be far out ideas. But that is ok, it just makes me unique. I am making progress, regardless of how it feels to me.
OK, third thing, feeling frustrated as if I'm stuck in a rut. I'm feeling frustrated because I feel as if things should move faster. This is related to the prior points. I'm not stuck in a rut, but it feels like it. I need to have a conversation with my sub-conscious mind to find some answers. As they say, and this too shall pass.
Here is another reason for my frustration. When I saw Charlie's pic on pof, I felt as if wasn't really him, but the person I see in person is him. The real Charlie, which is and yet isn't the man in the pic. It's rather hard to explain. And when I heard his voice, it felt like I was coming home. Charlie says he feels as if we have been together before, on other worlds or here in the past, I'm paraphrasing. I feel the same way. I know we have, even if I don't remember exactly when or where. I feel as if if each time we come together it is to take care of business because of something about to occur here on earth, or other worlds/places/times we have been together. It doesn't feel as if we really have time to 'be together', and I'm tired of it. Yes we work well together, but I'd like it to be more time. Like, we never have enough time together. I love Charlie so much, and I want all the time I can get this time around. I miss someone I don't even know who it is until I meet Charlie, and then it kinda all falls into place. It isn't even a case of 'getting it right this time around'. It's that I'm tired, and I want to rest with Charlie. There is so much to learn and do, and yet I have only a certain amount of time to do this in. So there are my reasons for feeling frustrated and for feeling like I'm in a rut. I'm not really. Love ya Charlie

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