Wednesday, May 9, 2007

6:06 a.m.,here I am , on my own again

Dear Journal,
Don't ya just love life? With all it's twists and turns, all it's heartaches and pains, all it's love and joy, it's still wonderful. Love can make you feel like you're on top of the world one day, and in the pits of hell the next. We're all here to learn, regardless of where we're from. I learned from Charlie that I can be accepted for myself and the #1 person in my life would still love me enough to stay. I learned that what it's like to mourn for a person who is your whole world, the person who touches you on levels you've never been touched on before. I learned that while I thought I liked riding on the back of a bike, I really love riding on the back of a bike. On the bike and even off, I trusted him implicitly. He is the only person in my life I've ever felt that much trust with. I used to think I didn't trust anyone, then I came to realize that trust is actually by degrees. I learned that my other person is almost like a mirror in some ways. I've heard that when we don't like something about another person, it's because it's something about ourselves that we don't like. Maybe that's true and maybe it's not, I have often thought about it, and sometimes it seems to be true, but not always. If it is then I guess I like me a lot then. Which I already knew. I do like me, I even love me. If I were sitting next to me in a bar, I'd buy me a beer. Preferably a long neck Bud, Charlie called me a bottle baby when the bartender ask me the first time if I wanted a glass and I said no. My time with Charlie was very short, but it has had such an impact on my life. Charlie was my hero, he went thru so much in his short life, and yet he refused to give up. I have another friend, Lee, who should've been added to the list a long time ago. Heroes are people I look up to and can learn from, but I refuse to put them on a pedestal, since if I become disappointed in them, they'll not be heroes anymore. So, I recognize that they have faults and fallacies, and they're still heros.
Life is meant for living, so I intend to live it as full as I possibly can. I've been in love quite a few times, and it has usually been a conscious decision. This is the first time I've fallen in love without making a decision about it. Love should be spontaneous. This is the best way; there is an Italian term, which means "hit by the thunderbolt." Can't find the Italian word, but the meaning is exactly what happened to me. It was literally like coming home. I felt empty and full at the same time, at peace with myself. It was like looking into a still river, or watching a thunderstorm or...oh hell, it's hard to describe, unless you've been hit you won't know what I mean. That sounds rather obnoxious I know, or even smug, sorry. It isn't meant to be. I read about being hit by the thunderbolt once before, and wondered what it would be like. Now I know. That was over twenty years ago, and I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. Now I know what it's like. It's truly awesome, and awe inspiring.
With that thought I think I'd best post this before it becomes a mini novel.
p.s. fellow biker & 'clamdigger', I would appreciate it if you contacted me, but it is your decision and I'll respect your wishes on the matter.

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