Thursday, May 3, 2007


Damn! You know what journal? I feel like I'm getting on the defensive, with a lot of things. Btw, DG, thank you for the vote of confidence. Now on with the rest of the story.
This is why I feel as if I'm on the defensive. I know I have problems with my past, hell we all do, even if we don't admit it. But past experiences are what we make comparisons against when faced with new situations. Not necessarily people from the past, but rather their actions. So if someones actions, (not just DG, either) are similar to actions from the past, I'm going to question them. Not that I'm trying to 'make a scene' or be a bitch, but that's the way it is.
I'm really tired of people saying they like me fine as I am, when they don't. Then want to know what is wrong. This is getting to be really depressing. One of the things is because I've lived alone so long, I had one relationship that lasted for 17+ years, since I was 16. Any other relationship I've had lasted for 3-5 years, if I decided it might be worth it. Most of the time it wasn't. I mean, from the stand point of a learning situation, yes it was worth it. But that is all it apparently was.
I guess I'm just not very good at relationships. But if you think that I think so little of myself as to take full blame for all these things, guess again. It takes two or more for it to become a fubar. I hope it isn't headed there, but it feels like it sometimes. Sometimes I don't totally understand someones motives, regardless of who they are, but I'm not stupid either.
I am dealing with my problems, and yet I am so freakin' tired of everything...I'm not just physically tired, I'm mentally and emotionally tired, even spiritually tired. I desperately need rest, and yet I'm not getting it. How does one get this kind of rest? Good question, but one to which I have no answer as of yet. I will be glad when I do.
I feel as if I keep fuckin' up, and yet I know I'm not the only one to blame. But when you are allowed to believe any one particular thing from anyone, and then find it's another, it's kind of hard to cope with. This is a pattern that I need to analyze, and then rectify. I'm not willing to give up on myself, regardless of what others' may choose to do.
Deep down I know I'm worth the effort, regardless of what others' may think. This is why I'm willing to keep trying over and over to make it work, in some situations, at least those I've not walked out on.
Ye gods, but I'm tired! I just want to rest. I can't rest like this, regardless of how much sleep I get. It's like being on a goddamned treadmill. Damned monotonous. I'm tired of explaining myself, it's getting to be boring, explaining myself to people. Maybe people hear me, and then again, maybe they don't. I have to admit, I have a problem both with English and with verbalization in general. In the last three months, I've had someone tell me there's nothing wrong with me, and yet there seems to be. Why the hell is that? Oh hell, never mind. I'm not going to talk about it anymore. Journals are supposed to be good therapy, which is one of the reason I write here, but sometimes I wonder. Maybe there is no help for me. BUT, don't fuckin' bet on me believing that...and no, there hasn't been anyone say that to me. I wish all of you peace,
ravnone1...from the raven's lair
P. S. To each one who has shared my life in some way, I thank you for your patience, and your caring, even if it didn't work out. You shall remain in my mind and heart.
P.P.S. Forgive my overuse of so many cuss words.

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