Tuesday, May 1, 2007

why I feel/act like I do: for inquiring minds

Hi All,
This is another 'dear journal' entry. I have come to the conclusion that I need to explain my actions for those of you who don't perceive why I do things the way I do. Although I don't really 'need' to, I figure I owe it to you so you might per chance understand. OK, here goes.
I have, over the past few months, come into and went out of a few people's lives in a short period of time. This has been for a variety of reasons. I see no reason to stay in some one's life, other than as a friend, if you aren't the right person for me. There are many reasons why I might not perceive you as the right person for me. If I choose to stay in your life it is because I wish to, and you don't mind me hanging around in your life, after we've been more than just friends.
While I admit to being jealous, and possessive, I try to not go overboard without what I perceive as a good reason. Which I admit can be misinterpreted. I don't have a low self-esteem problem, I do have a problem with rejection. In fact, unless I've chosen to leave, the men who see me and decide they want me, find they really don't like me after awhile. They don't like the adhd and all that entails. They don't like the mood swings, and I'm afraid that's rather like living with PMS quite often. For whatever reason, they just don't like me, and want me to change. So far, Charlie hasn't wanted me to change, except the biting. duk tayp, baby, duk tayp. It is funny in it's own way, and yet it hurts to not be accepted for myself.
I have no intention of changing who/what I am, I like me...so if you don't/didn't like me, that's your personal loss. I know it's hard to have a relationship with me, and I've warned each guy involved, who has said, "nah, you're fine. what's hard about it?" Guess they were wrong, since I'm not with them.
I have found, in my life there is a pattern, when it comes to relationships. I go into a person's life, regardless of how long it lasts, and then I'm gone, either by my choice or theirs. When they learn that which I have to teach them, then I'm gone. So for whatever reason that I'm not in your life, maybe you needed to wake up about something.
I feel good about my relationship with Charles, but I have to admit (at least to myself) that I wonder if he will be like the others and want me to leave soon. I hope not, but who knows. When I was in NM, I said that I wasn't going back to my brothers' in Phoenix, but I did. This time, I won't. I'll just leave for parts unknown. I don't stay where I'm not wanted. So I hope this works out. I'm trying really hard to make it work, and yet retain my identity.
There are people who are going to question why I feel the need to write this. That will remain my business until I decide to make it otherwise. I have lived alone for a long time, with the exception of a few times with my daughters in separate incidences. I didn't get along with them, and I wonder if I ever will. I would truly like to, because I do love them. Both sides needed to more accepting of each other. I am learning to accept other people's way of life, I think they need to accept mine as well. I can think for myself, and make my own decisions. I won't put on a facade for others, if this is embarrassing for you, then by all means, remove yourself from my presence. I don't need to be there. that is also a few of the reason's I left my daughters' homes. They think I'm often rude, and that I need to change my ways. Ain't going to happen. I'm actually sorry that people are offended by my candor, and that they think I'm rude and need a few more social skills. Sorry for them, not me. People need to stop thinking we all need to be politically correct all the time.
Frankly, I wish this was all over and done with. It's nerve wracking, the waiting I mean. But...on the bright side, I can live my life one day at a time as if it were my last day here on earth. I'm not asking people to change, or become stagnant, but rather to maintain consistency when it concerns me. I don't think it's too much to ask. And, if it is...too freakin' bad. There are things I don't care to put up with. I think they are ludicrous,and I think it is ludicrous to even expect me too, as this is a new relationship, especially since we've both been rejected in the past, several times, for being ourselves.
Why is it that men always think it's the woman who should change? And the woman thinks it's the man who should change? Why can't they just meet halfway? Hell there is such a thing as compromise. At work, or wherever else you're usually at with friends is one thing, but to have them intrude into our private time is just plain inconsiderate. I may not like all things in my life, some I can accept, some I won't. We'll see how long I can tolerate this. I can understand some things, but not others. And I hate repeating myself, while it's true that people do forget fro a variety of reasons, (including me), I still shouldn't have to keep repeating myself. It shows a lack of caring if I have to repeat myself, because you didn't care enough to listen. Now, people, I've said all I'm going to say on the matter of what the fuck makes me tick, for right now, at least. And no, I'm not getting ready to leave Charlie, can't say he won't ask me to leave tho. Hell, others did. What's meant to be, will be, and what ain't meant to be, just won't happen.

1 comment:

DG said...

nice post.. as always you dont pull punches and tell it like it is...being 'real' like that, is an admirable quality in my eyes...