Saturday, May 26, 2007

general thoughts

Dear Journal,

I kinda feel the need to talk to you as I sit here tonight/morning. Sometimes I have things on my mind, and this is one of the way I deal with it. I wish this keyboard would be less noisy, especially since it's 1:30 in the morning.

I'm waiting on Rick from Kingman, and thinking about Charlie. I'm also thinking about other things as well.

I just installed a new mouse, the other one was driving me nuts.

I wish Charlie was here, and yet I'm almost glad he isn't. I wish it was one of his nights off, and we were sleeping, him holding me so close like he always did. So close you couldn't have put a pin between us. The reason I'm almost glad he isn't, is because it was almost, not quite, but almost perfect. Why screw up a good memory? He had faults, just like all of us, but he was still a wonderful man. His favorite book was "Hitcherhiker's Guide to the Universe". He was one of a kind, and I'm doubly blessed that he shared part of my life. By part, I mean a space of time. I trusted him implicitly, in many things. Will I ever feel that way again? Will I ever trust that much again? Knowing me, I doubt it, but then stranger things have happened. Part of me wants to get on with it, and part of me wants it back the way it was. The first part is happening day by day, the second part won't happen during this lifetime. Oh it will happen, on another plane, or another existence. But that only lessens the pain, it doesn't take it away. Sometimes it just drags at me, until I ask "Damn it, Charlie! Why did you leave me?" And yet I know why he's gone. Some things aren't meant to be. I learned things from Charlie, one of them being acceptance. He isn't just going to ride the bike up and park, then call and say "I'm home, baby." He isn't ever going to hold me, or anything else except live in my thoughts, as far as this time around goes. I told Charlie once, it takes more courage to die than to live, because despite all the reports, you don't really know what's on the other side.
Hi, I'm finishing this up at 3:33 p.m. today. Rick, from Kingman came early and I've been visiting with him since he showed up. He's a nice guy, but there just isn't the spark I'm looking for, so I'll not be going to Kingman.
Now, to pick up where I left off. I'm not ready to commit suicide, I gave my word years ago to the Universe that I wouldn't even try it again. so that's not an out for me. I wondered, as I was visiting with Rick, am I comparing every guy against Charlie? I don't think I am. But I'm sure as hell not settling for less than what I want either. I do believe that death is part of the circle of life, and that it is simply a door we go thru. Once there, we go thru a period of adjustment, and then go over what we either learned or didn't learn while here. But since I have no proof, I don't really know what's on the other side, now do I? Therefore, I still am of the opinion stated above. Not that it matters, or even has any bearing on anything. It was just part of a conversation we were having at the time. Anyway, I guess I've taken long enough to type this in and post it.
Wishing all well,

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