Sunday, May 27, 2007

heading to the mountains

Hi All,
Looks like I'm off to a day in the mountains. Which is a good thing, because I need time away from people. I need semi-solitude, which is what I'll have pretty much.
You know, this is the first time I've ever 'lost' someone I love to death. I need to get on with it, and I am. But there's a part of me that is so angry. Yes, death is an everyday occurrence. It's part of the cycle of life.
There are people in my life who have been a great help to me. I thank all of you. This anger, hell let's call it what it is...rage, that I have, needs to go. So today, I hope to get it out of my system. And if I'm where there are few people around, then there's less chance of someone getting hurt. So, this is where I'm at today. The sadness is fast becoming rage. How shall I deal with this? I sure as hell don't want to hurt anyone else. Although, if I could, I'd probably bring him back so I could kill him for leaving like that. Which wouldn't help any, but you get the idea. I know how to deal with many things, but this isn't one of them. I feel like I'm in the dark, and having to make my way to the end of the tunnel. In this case, I think I need to make a light. One that is both internal and external. I need to make sure I don't lose my way. And God said "Let there be light. and there was light." This light was not just a physical light, it was a great spiritual light. This is what I need to do. This light, once set into motion, will consume the rage, and cleanse me from the inside out. Then I can be me again. I mean me as opposed to this 'shadow' person that I now live with. I don't much care for this person, but I do love me. Since this 'shadow' person is a part of me, I'll take care of her and love her too. But I want me back, from wherever the hell I've went.
I think we are all made up of different parts, for lack of a better term, each one devised to deal with any given situation. When a situation presents itself, and there is no part of us used to dealing with it, then a new part is developed to compensate. When all the parts are together, we are whole. In MPD, or Multiple Personality Disorder, doctors want us to integrate. So the 'normal' people are integrated, but it doesn't really take all that much to fragment. When bad things happen, you can hear people talking about falling apart. I've been feeling that for awhile now, as if I'm falling apart. So a new fragment, or part is surfacing to deal with the unknown. How best to deal with the death of Charlie. Look, if some SOB hurt or killed one of my kids, or grandkids, I'd kill the SOB in a heart beat, once I found him. His death would not be pleasant, and I would not feel sorry for him. But this isn't something I can do anything about, in that manner. He's gone because that is what was agreed upon in the time before I was born. At any rate, it was his time to die. *Damn, I'm getting tired of this. So this is something I have to learn how best for me to deal with. I don't have MPD, and many people who are labeled as such, may not have it either. I'm only using it for an example. To show you what I mean when I talk about 'parts' or 'fragments' of the whole. OK?
The asterisk besides 'damn'. Ok, I knew, for after meeting him that it wouldn't last long, that one of us would go. And it felt as if we had done this so many times, I wrote about it in my blog. That is what I'm referring to being tired of. Each time we are together, we don't have much time together. Just long enough to pass on the message we were supposed to, long enough to maybe make a difference in the other person's life, or at least try to. Have I lost my mind? Maybe, but if you let mind get in the way of everything, you'll never learn anything.
I guess that's enough bitching for right now.
Peace to all of you,

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