Sunday, May 6, 2007
This is a pic of my Charlie. This was taken in the apt complex where we lived, and where I now live if things work out the way I wish.
I really miss him, and this is really a letter to Charlie, also known as Deuce and Ezryder. I promise to be nice about it. Or I should say as nice as it is possible to be, for me. This is one of the ways I"m coping with this traumatic loss I've experienced. So please , bear with me as I crawl my way out of my own personal hell.
Duk tayp, baby, no geese, forever. I miss you and I wish you were here. There will never be another you. Nor even anyone close to what you are like. You're a good man Charlie. I have no regrets, and no bad memories. Yes we did argue a bit, and for that I'm sorry. I did trust you implicitly, babe, so you needed to trust me as well and not jump to conclusions about my leaving. Like I said, I'll never leave you. I didn't either, but you left me, even tho you said you wouldn't. You put a burden on me, my love, by asking me to not let you fuck this up. That isn't my job, it's yours. I wouldn't have left you without telling you sweetie. I know you know this deep down, even when you were worried about it. I'm a woman of my word, and I keep it, to the best of my abilities.
When we met, for each of us, it was like coming home. We had a connection like no bodies' business. This bond seems to both of us to have been shared over many lifetimes, maybe even different planes of existence or different worlds. I ask why you had to leave me so soon, I was told that it is because of divine will's plan, he has bigger plans for me, I didn't ask him to, so why should he. Did the divine will ever think I might have my own plans? Doesn't matter, because I didn't have any plans anyway. I try to be alignment with the divine will, don't always succeed, but I try. What bigger plans? He won't say, just says, "you'll see." Can't wait to see it implemented.
Deuce, I really love you, yes it is in the present tense. I know some things are not meant to be, but my question is why? Sometimes there is an answer, sometimes there is no answer. Maybe I'll know someday, maybe I won't.
I guess I'll end this post now.